Black cloud, hanging and hovering

After a sort of meltdown, well not sort of but full on meltdown, I thought I would feel better. I thought my "sticky note method" had worked. Yet here I am with a new day and new beginning and a black cloud is hovering over me. Why? I don't really know. Which is super frustrating because when there is a reason or a why, you can problem solve, tackle it and find solutions to change the situation.

Depression and anxiety IS a black cloud. That's a fact. Even when rain isn't pouring, the sky can stay cloudy. I know that, I have accepted that. But when it feels like something all together how do you truly know what it is? What the problem is, what is making you feel so blue? Maybe that IS my answer. Maybe that's why the cloud is there and I should accept that it is there as an underlying issue and there isn't necessarily a solution or way to fix it. That no matter what I do it will still be there hanging around. I must find a way to accept that and stop trying to fix it! I'm a fixer, a problem solver, a solution finder and overall I can't find myself getting satisfaction until it is solved! That's the control freak in me I suppose. Solutions can be a form of control and "having" to solve the problem IS a problem within itself.

Therapy, venting, medicine, all of those things help. But it doesn't prevent these outbreaks or breakdowns. So when people ask me "what's wrong?" how do I answer that? How do I explain that there are a million things on constant replay in my head. Like a record player, playing old tapes on rewind over and over? You can't really explain it. Sure I practice gratitude, I have tried the gratitude journal, I have listed three things I'm thankful for daily. I have checked off the thankfulness list in my head more than once. And yet the black cloud is still there. Waiting for me, waiting to pounce. Problem is, it doesn't have to rain (or pounce) to cause a reaction. Just being near it makes me feel like it could all come crashing down at any moment. Constant fear, worry, feelings of defeat and moments of frustration over NOTHING! That is how I'm feeling today. I don't know why or how but I do know that I just want to crawl in a hole and sleep it all away. Rationally I know that it wouldn't solve a thing, it might feel good temporarily but when I wake up it will still be there. Lurking....

Some days are better than others and that is OK. I must realize its all part of life with depression/anxiety and grief. You do what you can with what you have and that is all you can do.