Today, things change

Today will be the first time I go to work full time since 2003. I quit working full time to raise McKenna when she was 5 months old. I don't regret a single second. It has been hard, really hard financially and a struggle for a long time but that is something I chose to sacrifice. I refused to work full time just to pay for daycare. I wanted to be a particular type of mom and I have been fortunate enough to fulfill that dream!
The last 5 years I have worked from home and have found great success with it. But now its time for me. Time for me to work towards the future, secure my own benefits and retirement. I don't think its possible these days for two people to live on one retirement let alone what it will be like in 30 years when retirement is here! I need something for myself, I need to force myself to get up and dressed every single day, be out and around people, feel productive and like I am contributing. I make a great living selling Scentsy don't get me wrong but I have found being home is working against me. Causing my fears, anxiety, grief and depression to balloon. Like they are trapped in a jar and as time goes on the tighter the space is and the less space remains. One day, that lid is bound to pop off or the jar will explode all together. I must force myself to do this. If it doesn't work out, well then I tried. If it doesn't work out then I know I'm where I'm meant to be, a work at home mom. However, if it does work out then I'm doing it for myself.
Hopefully I wont crack under the pressure and will be able to handle it all. I want to show my girls that its important to be independent and do what you can to provide for yourself or at least to help contribute the best you can. I did what I always wanted to do which was be a stay at home mom. My kids are all in school and needing me less and less. So why just sit home and watch the time go by? My inner hermit wants me to be home but I feel like Satan is trying to trap me with the negative thoughts and feelings and loss of motivation.
Put one foot in front of the other and see what happens. It's worth a shot so might as well try. At least I won't have the what if's running through my head anymore.
Knowing that I had to start work today made me more intentional with my time these last two weeks during Christmas break. It made me cherish the moments more and savor the moments more instead of just watching things happen and time pass. I feel like working will help me with so many things but mostly it will help me feel whole and productive. I feel like my time will be more precious and valuable with my kids and husband instead of taking it for granted.

Maybe it really is more about quality over quantity. Lets see how this week goes and if I'm meant to be a full time working business owner mom and wife....