Sadness, Heartache and Loss

I know, its inevitable. Loss and death. But as I get older and loose people from my childhood, people that were friends with my dad and just people I know, it brings up so many feelings that I do NOT want to deal with. I don't handle loss or goodbyes well. Never have. I'm a pro at funerals and loss, I dealt with it all of my childhood, all of my life. Everyone close to me. Yet here I am sitting in a pit of sadness. Thinking of memories I have when someone I grew up with or knew passes away, it just makes my heart ache so bad. I try not to go to that deep dark place of sadness, grief and loneliness but how can I not? It is lurking, waiting to suck me in and making me think of all of the times I had, thinking about my parents. Wishing I could call them, I need comfort from them, they KNOW, they know the people and the memories and I can't. That is one of the hardest parts because I need to call and tell them, have them comfort me. I know, that sounds selfish and immature and it is. I am still that lost little girl that needs the love, support and comfort from her parents. I may be 35 but I don't think I will ever grow out of that. Maybe its the only child in me, maybe its the broken little girl and lost soul that lives inside, deep inside. I don't know and I'm not going to try and change that either. It's a part of me, who I am and how I feel. I will always need MY people. My support, my blood, my family and the ones that share the memories with me. I don't have that and although I do have such an amazing support system with Kyle and his family and my friends who ARE my family, its just not the same at all. I am doing my best to just bury it deep inside and not go "there". Trying to not dwell and sit and think and worry and cry and wallow. Luckily, I am at work and I can occupy my mind and not sit alone with my thoughts. Being busy is the only way I can stay sane. With lots of alone time and being with my thoughts comes even more darkness and sadness that once I submit to, I cannot seem to dig myself out. When I think of that, I think of a deep dark well and I'm at the bottom, sitting in the cold, wet and dark place. I can see the light far far above me but I have to claw myself up the wall through the dirt to get to the top. Sometimes it seems SO FAR AWAY and sometimes I am at the brink. So if I let myself fall into the well, honestly its almost impossible to claw my way out. So I MUST keep myself busy and super occupied so I don't feel those emotions. I know that's not the correct way of dealing with things but if I keep dwelling and thinking about it, I will sink further into my depression and I just can't let myself. If I go back to that place I might not ever recover again.
I wish I could reach out to his daughters and be their support, I know how it feels, I have been there and I live it everyday. But seeing it, being around it and trying to be someone else's shoulder really takes its toll. Brings back all the heartache and sadness and feelings of desperation. The feeling of my breath being knocked out of me. All I can do is offer my support and prayers and try not to let their grief take me back..

So for now, I will be sad and wish I could call my dad but since I can't, I will stay busy and try not to think of the memories. Try not think of what I don't have but what I DO HAVE.

Black cloud, hanging and hovering

After a sort of meltdown, well not sort of but full on meltdown, I thought I would feel better. I thought my "sticky note method" had worked. Yet here I am with a new day and new beginning and a black cloud is hovering over me. Why? I don't really know. Which is super frustrating because when there is a reason or a why, you can problem solve, tackle it and find solutions to change the situation.

Depression and anxiety IS a black cloud. That's a fact. Even when rain isn't pouring, the sky can stay cloudy. I know that, I have accepted that. But when it feels like something all together how do you truly know what it is? What the problem is, what is making you feel so blue? Maybe that IS my answer. Maybe that's why the cloud is there and I should accept that it is there as an underlying issue and there isn't necessarily a solution or way to fix it. That no matter what I do it will still be there hanging around. I must find a way to accept that and stop trying to fix it! I'm a fixer, a problem solver, a solution finder and overall I can't find myself getting satisfaction until it is solved! That's the control freak in me I suppose. Solutions can be a form of control and "having" to solve the problem IS a problem within itself.

Therapy, venting, medicine, all of those things help. But it doesn't prevent these outbreaks or breakdowns. So when people ask me "what's wrong?" how do I answer that? How do I explain that there are a million things on constant replay in my head. Like a record player, playing old tapes on rewind over and over? You can't really explain it. Sure I practice gratitude, I have tried the gratitude journal, I have listed three things I'm thankful for daily. I have checked off the thankfulness list in my head more than once. And yet the black cloud is still there. Waiting for me, waiting to pounce. Problem is, it doesn't have to rain (or pounce) to cause a reaction. Just being near it makes me feel like it could all come crashing down at any moment. Constant fear, worry, feelings of defeat and moments of frustration over NOTHING! That is how I'm feeling today. I don't know why or how but I do know that I just want to crawl in a hole and sleep it all away. Rationally I know that it wouldn't solve a thing, it might feel good temporarily but when I wake up it will still be there. Lurking....

Some days are better than others and that is OK. I must realize its all part of life with depression/anxiety and grief. You do what you can with what you have and that is all you can do.

Today, things change

Today will be the first time I go to work full time since 2003. I quit working full time to raise McKenna when she was 5 months old. I don't regret a single second. It has been hard, really hard financially and a struggle for a long time but that is something I chose to sacrifice. I refused to work full time just to pay for daycare. I wanted to be a particular type of mom and I have been fortunate enough to fulfill that dream!
The last 5 years I have worked from home and have found great success with it. But now its time for me. Time for me to work towards the future, secure my own benefits and retirement. I don't think its possible these days for two people to live on one retirement let alone what it will be like in 30 years when retirement is here! I need something for myself, I need to force myself to get up and dressed every single day, be out and around people, feel productive and like I am contributing. I make a great living selling Scentsy don't get me wrong but I have found being home is working against me. Causing my fears, anxiety, grief and depression to balloon. Like they are trapped in a jar and as time goes on the tighter the space is and the less space remains. One day, that lid is bound to pop off or the jar will explode all together. I must force myself to do this. If it doesn't work out, well then I tried. If it doesn't work out then I know I'm where I'm meant to be, a work at home mom. However, if it does work out then I'm doing it for myself.
Hopefully I wont crack under the pressure and will be able to handle it all. I want to show my girls that its important to be independent and do what you can to provide for yourself or at least to help contribute the best you can. I did what I always wanted to do which was be a stay at home mom. My kids are all in school and needing me less and less. So why just sit home and watch the time go by? My inner hermit wants me to be home but I feel like Satan is trying to trap me with the negative thoughts and feelings and loss of motivation.
Put one foot in front of the other and see what happens. It's worth a shot so might as well try. At least I won't have the what if's running through my head anymore.
Knowing that I had to start work today made me more intentional with my time these last two weeks during Christmas break. It made me cherish the moments more and savor the moments more instead of just watching things happen and time pass. I feel like working will help me with so many things but mostly it will help me feel whole and productive. I feel like my time will be more precious and valuable with my kids and husband instead of taking it for granted.

Maybe it really is more about quality over quantity. Lets see how this week goes and if I'm meant to be a full time working business owner mom and wife....

Be grateful

Be grateful

 

With all of the loss I have suffered in my life, the biggest piece of advice I could give someone is to be grateful for life but especially for FAMILY. Yes they may drive you crazy, they may BE CRAZY, maybe they cause drama, maybe they fight, they may be loud and obnoxious but you know what? FAMILY IS FOREVER. Be grateful you still have family even the dysfunctional ones. Some is better than none. And during the holidays when you are all together, savor it, enjoy it and relish in the fact that you do have family. You may dread the get togethers and all the multiple visits now but one day when they are gone you will wish you had enjoyed it more. That is something my mom always told me when I was a kid before I suffered the biggest loss in my childhood, my great grandmother. As I got older and matured some, I wanted to spend less time with her and wanted to be with my friends and cousins and not do simple things like watch wheel of fortune and play wahoo with my granny. My mom harped on me for the longest time telling me to enjoy her and spend time with her because one day she would be gone and I would regret not having more time with her. Boy was she right. I was 13 and she died the day after my birthday. That was the beginning of many losses for me but what my mom told me has stuck with me over the years and it’s something I tell my children a LOT.

Family doesn’t have to be blood either, friends make the best family. I am blessed enough to have a handful of friends that are there for me when it counts, they get me and they cherish me; all of my crazy and quirky ways. That counts bigtime in the family tree! I don’t need a lot because what I do have isn’t about the number but more about the friendship. Soul mates, that’s what they are! “I would rather have four quarters than 100 pennies”, any day.  

Not only have I been blessed with wonderful friends I have been lucky enough to marry into a big accepting family that has taken me in as one of their own and treated me as their own. I feel so incredibly blessed and loved by them and I’m so thankful that I have been able to spend 16 years (almost) and counting with them and they have ALWAYS been there when I needed them and even when I didn’t think I needed anyone. They are the true definition of what a real family is.

All of this fills my cup with love and believe me I am thankful, grateful and blessed. I hope that during this holiday season you realize just how blessed YOU are as well. Cherish these times. Life goes by so fast so enjoy every minute.

To the person that is supposed to love me unconditionally..But doesn’t understand how

To the person that is supposed to love me unconditionally..But doesn’t understand how

To the person that thinks it’s a choice to feel the way I feel, to be the way I am…

I know you can’t understand. How could you? You don’t suffer from the ailments I do. You haven’t experienced it firsthand like I have. Only by loving me you become guilty by association. But that doesn’t mean that you “get it”. You can’t possibly have empathy or even sympathy because quite frankly, you. Just. Don’t. Get. It. 

I want to say its ok but really, it’s not. If you care about someone and truly love them you TRY. TRY to understand research, read, learn but mostly just TRY. I don’t expect you to fully comprehend. It’s something that really can’t even be explained but let me try…

Depression and Anxiety doesn’t have an on and off button. Oh how I wish it did. It is NOT A CHOICE. There is no magic pill or solution. It is a struggle that is sometimes sporadic but mostly just hangs around like a black cloud. All the time. Every second. Sometimes every minute and other times every hour. It is not something that I would wish on my worst enemy, although the suffering it brings would be nice to “share” with someone else just so they can get it, even for a moment.

For me it started when my second baby was just four months old. I should have been so happy! Another girl. A two year old and a four month old. We had just moved back to my husband’s home town and it was a fresh start, something new. We both had decided once we started having kids that we wanted them to have the life my husband had growing up. Loaded with family members and memories. Why couldn’t I just be happy? Why was I crying all the time and overwhelmed with life? Sure going from one kid to two is a challenge but it was something else; something more. That is when my journey started. My OB put me on medication that helped. But no it was NOT magic pill; it didn’t make everything go away. Life didn’t become rainbows and unicorns and it certainly didn’t feel great to have to become dependent on a drug to make me function somewhat normal. This is something real, a new way of life. Having to take a medication is not something I was or am proud of but I finally (after years) learned that if it helped and I NEEDED it then that was that. The roller coaster that started for me then still continues and it’s a daily struggle. Then and now. To this very moment.

I don’t wake up and decide to be depressed. I don’t just flip my hair and say oh ya, I’m gonna be fine today. I’m gonna be ok! It doesn’t work that way. Even as bad as I want it to. It is a chemical imbalance and it really does exist and it does affect every fiber of my being. Medication helps take the edge off but it doesn’t fix the problem. I don’t choose to be overwhelmed and riddled by anxiety about the smallest and most minuscule things. I don’t feel like its ok to be myself. I doubt my feelings, choices, decisions, and more. I constantly worry, not because I WANT to but because something in my brain just isn’t right. Mental illness is no joke. No laughing matter and it is not something that should be taken lightly.

The rollercoaster has extreme highs and extreme lows. Sometimes it’s in the middle and sometimes it stays the same. But the thing is, it’s always moving. Always changing and evolving. When it’s good, its goooood. When it’s bad..Well you get it. I don’t choose this life. Yes I can choose how I react to situations, yes I can choose to not be a victim and yes I can change my attitude about things BUT a depressed person can’t just snap out of it. I am a firm believer in choices; I like to be in control of everything but especially my choices. Sadly when a person suffers from depression it just isn’t that easy. I don’t want to feel the way I feel! But I do and I can’t always help it. I can try my hardest to change circumstances and attitudes but most of the time, the black cloud wins. The elephant in the room is always there, hanging around where it’s not wanted. The dark place inside of me that lingers even when things are great.

How can someone so incredibly blessed be so broken? I wish I had that answer. I am an outgoing, happy, vibrant, loud person that likes to laugh and smile A LOT. I am goofy and quirky and I love to have fun. I love to dance and music is my escape. That person is sometimes trapped in that dark place. She wants to come out, she claws her way towards the light but can’t quite reach the end of the tunnel. She is there, she lives there and she is desperate to be out of the hole and be normal. But that just is truly a pipe dream. There are times when she is out and in the open and not in the tunnel, those times are great, they are GRAND! But the tunnel is always there. Always placing doubt and casting darkness on even the happiest and brightest of times. Sure I can look around and see God’s glory, his blessings, his grace and the mercy that has been shown to me over and over again. That is so fulfilling and promising but the truth is that it is a temporary moment of happiness. The darkness creeps in and takes over and no matter how hard I try to shut it out, it’s always there. People that suffer with mental illness don’t just stay happy just because they are blessed, no matter how hard they try.

For me, what truly broke me was when my dad got sick. My world turned upside down and things changed. When someone you love so deeply it hurts starts to parish and struggle, something inside of you just snaps. My depression became worse, the constant worry, the stress and anxiety took me to the edge. I suppose it would for anyone. The depths of my soul were damaged and I felt so hopeless and helpless. Unless you have lived the suffering and the loss you don’t really understand what it can do to you. It can ruin you. I had such a wonderful life and I still do but when chunks are missing, broken or shattered, it’s hard to look around and see the blessings in front of you. Don’t get me wrong, I know I am blessed. I feel it, I thrive on it BUT it is never enough. I could always have it worse I know and I do have so much more than what others have but that doesn’t mean that the pieces just fall back into place after being shattered. I continue to count my blessings and show gratitude for what I have and I thank God for it a LOT. But even with such a full life I never get full. I can never find true fulfillment with what I do have. Not because of what all I have lost but because I am broken inside. Loss and grief are taking over a part of me now and that doesn’t help but it’s more about the illness I suffer from. It’s not temporary, there is no time limit and it’s not something that vanishes or gets better with time.

I have accepted the fact that I am sick. I am determined to not let it ruin or even run my life but one person only has so much power. There are many facets and steps that have to be taken to find happiness and content. I will never give up and I’m motivated to fill the voids in my soul but I know that no matter what I do or say, it will always be there. I don’t believe depression can be healed or cured. I believe it can be treated by many things but for me, it never goes away.

 

Until you have felt the loneliness, helplessness, despair and deep dark sadness it brings you really can’t offer advice and you shouldn’t try. What you should do is simply be there; unconditionally. Love that person, wrap your arms around them and JUST BE THERE. Don’t try to fix them or fix the situations and problems, lend a shoulder and an ear and just listen. Don’t judge or assume you know how they feel, don’t try to change them into something they aren’t. They don’t want this, they don’t choose this and they certainly don’t enjoy this. Don’t be forceful because you “think” you know best, or you “think” you know what will make them feel better. That actually hurts more than it helps. We already feel helpless and trapped and when you place demands upon us, it pushes us further away, closer to the dark hole.

Something I learned in AL anon years ago is that when you nag, pressure and harp on someone with an illness (whether it be addiction, drugs, alcohol or depression) you push them further from you and closer to what they find comfort in. That couldn’t be more true. Depression can cause you to become a hermit and not want to leave the house, get dressed or even leave the room. When you force them and pressure them to do so it slowly chips away what little self-esteem and feelings of worth they have. Maybe being in certain social situations only reminds them of what they have lost, what they will never have or what they don’t want. The more you push the more depression pulls and sucks them back in. I would LOVE to just snap my fingers and go someplace without a care in the world! Sadly it just isn’t always possible. The motivation is eaten away, the doubts creep in and the ability to thrive is slowly drifting away as if I’m standing over quick sand. The more you pressure me the deeper I go and not willingly I might add. I didn’t choose to be in the quick sand, it’s just there waiting for me and every little thing that is said, done or that happens is another inch that you sink in. Eventually the weight of the quick sand is too much and your knees buckle, giving way to the awful, greedy sand.

Depressions is greedy and it doesn’t care about your feelings, wishes, hopes and dreams. It sucks away any chance at happiness you may have. I am one of the most determined and motivated people you could ever meet but depression has a hold on me that no one and nothing can remove. I will always struggle with this demon and I know that and trust me I HATE IT. I want it to go away and leave me alone. Within depression there is grief and loneliness that I suffer from. I feel so incredibly lonely even though my life is sooo full and amazing. I have the best support system money could buy, three amazing kids, a husband with a 16 year relationship under our belts and so much more, yet I feel empty sometimes. Lonely. How can that be? Sounds like an oxymoron I know. It makes no sense. That is where depression has its hold on me. Sure the grief I’m feeling is a culprit and something that I can choose to not let it run my life but when depression is involved, like I have said a few hundred times in this post alone, there is no choice.

The grief I feel comes from losing all but one maternal immediate family member. My own blood is gone minus ONE. ONE. Think about that for a minute. Who wouldn’t feel alone? Yes I know there are my precious babies and husband and my friends which are my family. There is my extended family and my family on my husband’s side. That is a lot of love right there. But MY OWN, MINE, my own family is almost gone. No one can understand that, they think that just because lots of people surround me that that should be enough. It’s not. Yes my grief is speaking right now but again, the underlying issue is depression. You can have 900 family members and still feel alone. That’s what this illness does to you.

 It is like a huge barrel of acid that just sits there waiting for something to be dropped in so it can dissolve into goop. The acid doesn’t evaporate; it just sits stagnant waiting for a victim.

I know that loving someone with depression is a huge burden. Trust me, I know. I have loved and still love many with this ailment. It’s not an easy thing but love, well LOVE IS WORTH IT. It is worth fighting for.  I am worth fighting for. But trying to change me doesn’t help. Even if to you, that is your way of helping; it’s not enough.

Someone that struggles with depression is always looking for the next thing to fill the void. It works for a little while, makes you feel really good at that moment but it’s only temporary. The void always comes back and the deep, dark hole can never be filled to the top. No matter how hard you try. The new house, new town, new car, new materialistic things, they are just temporary. They make you happy for a while and then it’s back to the starting line all over again. Trying to find that next “thing” to make you happy.

I will NOT let depression win. I will not let it ruin me but it does dictate a portion of my life and I will suffer with it and struggle to live with it until I’ve perished from this earth. That is a fact and nothing anyone says can take it away. My faith is strong and I lean on it every second of my day and boy am I thankful for that. Without that well where would I be?