To the person that is supposed to love me unconditionally..But
doesn’t understand how
To the person that thinks it’s a choice to feel the way I
feel, to be the way I am…
I know you can’t understand. How could you? You don’t suffer
from the ailments I do. You haven’t experienced it firsthand like I have. Only
by loving me you become guilty by association. But that doesn’t mean that you “get
it”. You can’t possibly have empathy or even sympathy because quite frankly,
you. Just. Don’t. Get. It.
I want to say its ok but really, it’s not. If you care about
someone and truly love them you TRY. TRY to understand research, read, learn
but mostly just TRY. I don’t expect you to fully comprehend. It’s something that
really can’t even be explained but let me try…
Depression and Anxiety doesn’t have an on and off button. Oh
how I wish it did. It is NOT A CHOICE. There is no magic pill or solution. It
is a struggle that is sometimes sporadic but mostly just hangs around like a
black cloud. All the time. Every second. Sometimes every minute and other times
every hour. It is not something that I would wish on my worst enemy, although
the suffering it brings would be nice to “share” with someone else just so they
can get it, even for a moment.
For me it started when my second baby was just four months
old. I should have been so happy! Another girl. A two year old and a four month
old. We had just moved back to my husband’s home town and it was a fresh start,
something new. We both had decided once we started having kids that we wanted
them to have the life my husband had growing up. Loaded with family members and
memories. Why couldn’t I just be happy? Why was I crying all the time and
overwhelmed with life? Sure going from one kid to two is a challenge but it was
something else; something more. That is when my journey started. My OB put me
on medication that helped. But no it was NOT magic pill; it didn’t make
everything go away. Life didn’t become rainbows and unicorns and it certainly
didn’t feel great to have to become dependent on a drug to make me function
somewhat normal. This is something real, a new way of life. Having to take a medication
is not something I was or am proud of but I finally (after years) learned that
if it helped and I NEEDED it then that was that. The roller coaster that
started for me then still continues and it’s a daily struggle. Then and now. To
this very moment.
I don’t wake up and decide to be depressed. I don’t just
flip my hair and say oh ya, I’m gonna be fine today. I’m gonna be ok! It doesn’t
work that way. Even as bad as I want it to. It is a chemical imbalance and it
really does exist and it does affect every fiber of my being. Medication helps
take the edge off but it doesn’t fix the problem. I don’t choose to be
overwhelmed and riddled by anxiety about the smallest and most minuscule
things. I don’t feel like its ok to be myself. I doubt my feelings, choices,
decisions, and more. I constantly worry, not because I WANT to but because
something in my brain just isn’t right. Mental illness is no joke. No laughing
matter and it is not something that should be taken lightly.
The rollercoaster has extreme highs and extreme lows.
Sometimes it’s in the middle and sometimes it stays the same. But the thing is,
it’s always moving. Always changing and evolving. When it’s good, its goooood.
When it’s bad..Well you get it. I don’t choose this life. Yes I can choose how
I react to situations, yes I can choose to not be a victim and yes I can change
my attitude about things BUT a depressed person can’t just snap out of it. I am
a firm believer in choices; I like to be in control of everything but
especially my choices. Sadly when a person suffers from depression it just isn’t
that easy. I don’t want to feel the way I feel! But I do and I can’t always
help it. I can try my hardest to change circumstances and attitudes but most of
the time, the black cloud wins. The elephant in the room is always there,
hanging around where it’s not wanted. The dark place inside of me that lingers
even when things are great.
How can someone so incredibly blessed be so broken? I wish I
had that answer. I am an outgoing, happy, vibrant, loud person that likes to
laugh and smile A LOT. I am goofy and quirky and I love to have fun. I love to
dance and music is my escape. That person is sometimes trapped in that dark
place. She wants to come out, she claws her way towards the light but can’t
quite reach the end of the tunnel. She is there, she lives there and she is
desperate to be out of the hole and be normal. But that just is truly a pipe
dream. There are times when she is out and in the open and not in the tunnel,
those times are great, they are GRAND! But the tunnel is always there. Always
placing doubt and casting darkness on even the happiest and brightest of times.
Sure I can look around and see God’s glory, his blessings, his grace and the
mercy that has been shown to me over and over again. That is so fulfilling and
promising but the truth is that it is a temporary moment of happiness. The
darkness creeps in and takes over and no matter how hard I try to shut it out, it’s
always there. People that suffer with mental illness don’t just stay happy just
because they are blessed, no matter how hard they try.
For me, what truly broke me was when my dad got sick. My
world turned upside down and things changed. When someone you love so deeply it
hurts starts to parish and struggle, something inside of you just snaps. My
depression became worse, the constant worry, the stress and anxiety took me to
the edge. I suppose it would for anyone. The depths of my soul were damaged and
I felt so hopeless and helpless. Unless you have lived the suffering and the
loss you don’t really understand what it can do to you. It can ruin you. I had
such a wonderful life and I still do but when chunks are missing, broken or
shattered, it’s hard to look around and see the blessings in front of you. Don’t
get me wrong, I know I am blessed. I feel it, I thrive on it BUT it is never
enough. I could always have it worse I know and I do have so much more than
what others have but that doesn’t mean that the pieces just fall back into
place after being shattered. I continue to count my blessings and show gratitude
for what I have and I thank God for it a LOT. But even with such a full life I
never get full. I can never find true fulfillment with what I do have. Not
because of what all I have lost but because I am broken inside. Loss and grief
are taking over a part of me now and that doesn’t help but it’s more about the
illness I suffer from. It’s not temporary, there is no time limit and it’s not
something that vanishes or gets better with time.
I have accepted the fact that I am sick. I am determined to
not let it ruin or even run my life but one person only has so much power.
There are many facets and steps that have to be taken to find happiness and
content. I will never give up and I’m motivated to fill the voids in my soul
but I know that no matter what I do or say, it will always be there. I don’t
believe depression can be healed or cured. I believe it can be treated by many
things but for me, it never goes away.
Until you have felt the loneliness, helplessness, despair
and deep dark sadness it brings you really can’t offer advice and you shouldn’t
try. What you should do is simply be there; unconditionally. Love that person,
wrap your arms around them and JUST BE THERE. Don’t try to fix them or fix the
situations and problems, lend a shoulder and an ear and just listen. Don’t
judge or assume you know how they feel, don’t try to change them into something
they aren’t. They don’t want this, they don’t choose this and they certainly
don’t enjoy this. Don’t be forceful because you “think” you know best, or you “think”
you know what will make them feel better. That actually hurts more than it
helps. We already feel helpless and trapped and when you place demands upon us,
it pushes us further away, closer to the dark hole.
Something I learned in AL anon years ago is that when you
nag, pressure and harp on someone with an illness (whether it be addiction,
drugs, alcohol or depression) you push them further from you and closer to what
they find comfort in. That couldn’t be more true. Depression can cause you to
become a hermit and not want to leave the house, get dressed or even leave the
room. When you force them and pressure them to do so it slowly chips away what
little self-esteem and feelings of worth they have. Maybe being in certain social
situations only reminds them of what they have lost, what they will never have
or what they don’t want. The more you push the more depression pulls and sucks
them back in. I would LOVE to just snap my fingers and go someplace without a
care in the world! Sadly it just isn’t always possible. The motivation is eaten
away, the doubts creep in and the ability to thrive is slowly drifting away as
if I’m standing over quick sand. The more you pressure me the deeper I go and
not willingly I might add. I didn’t choose to be in the quick sand, it’s just
there waiting for me and every little thing that is said, done or that happens
is another inch that you sink in. Eventually the weight of the quick sand is
too much and your knees buckle, giving way to the awful, greedy sand.
Depressions is greedy and it doesn’t care about your
feelings, wishes, hopes and dreams. It sucks away any chance at happiness you
may have. I am one of the most determined and motivated people you could ever
meet but depression has a hold on me that no one and nothing can remove. I will
always struggle with this demon and I know that and trust me I HATE IT. I want
it to go away and leave me alone. Within depression there is grief and loneliness
that I suffer from. I feel so incredibly lonely even though my life is sooo
full and amazing. I have the best support system money could buy, three amazing
kids, a husband with a 16 year relationship under our belts and so much more,
yet I feel empty sometimes. Lonely. How can that be? Sounds like an oxymoron I
know. It makes no sense. That is where depression has its hold on me. Sure the
grief I’m feeling is a culprit and something that I can choose to not let it
run my life but when depression is involved, like I have said a few hundred
times in this post alone, there is no choice.
The grief I feel comes from losing all but one maternal
immediate family member. My own blood is gone minus ONE. ONE. Think about that
for a minute. Who wouldn’t feel alone? Yes I know there are my precious babies
and husband and my friends which are my family. There is my extended family and
my family on my husband’s side. That is a lot of love right there. But MY OWN,
MINE, my own family is almost gone. No one can understand that, they think that
just because lots of people surround me that that should be enough. It’s not.
Yes my grief is speaking right now but again, the underlying issue is
depression. You can have 900 family members and still feel alone. That’s what
this illness does to you.
It is like a huge
barrel of acid that just sits there waiting for something to be dropped in so
it can dissolve into goop. The acid doesn’t evaporate; it just sits stagnant
waiting for a victim.
I know that loving someone with depression is a huge burden.
Trust me, I know. I have loved and still love many with this ailment. It’s not
an easy thing but love, well LOVE IS WORTH IT. It is worth fighting for. I am worth fighting for. But trying to change
me doesn’t help. Even if to you, that is your way of helping; it’s not enough.
Someone that struggles with depression is always looking for
the next thing to fill the void. It works for a little while, makes you feel
really good at that moment but it’s only temporary. The void always comes back
and the deep, dark hole can never be filled to the top. No matter how hard you
try. The new house, new town, new car, new materialistic things, they are just
temporary. They make you happy for a while and then it’s back to the starting
line all over again. Trying to find that next “thing” to make you happy.
I will NOT let depression win. I will not let it ruin me but
it does dictate a portion of my life and I will suffer with it and struggle to
live with it until I’ve perished from this earth. That is a fact and nothing
anyone says can take it away. My faith is strong and I lean on it every second
of my day and boy am I thankful for that. Without that well where would I be?
