Sadness, Heartache and Loss

I know, its inevitable. Loss and death. But as I get older and loose people from my childhood, people that were friends with my dad and just people I know, it brings up so many feelings that I do NOT want to deal with. I don't handle loss or goodbyes well. Never have. I'm a pro at funerals and loss, I dealt with it all of my childhood, all of my life. Everyone close to me. Yet here I am sitting in a pit of sadness. Thinking of memories I have when someone I grew up with or knew passes away, it just makes my heart ache so bad. I try not to go to that deep dark place of sadness, grief and loneliness but how can I not? It is lurking, waiting to suck me in and making me think of all of the times I had, thinking about my parents. Wishing I could call them, I need comfort from them, they KNOW, they know the people and the memories and I can't. That is one of the hardest parts because I need to call and tell them, have them comfort me. I know, that sounds selfish and immature and it is. I am still that lost little girl that needs the love, support and comfort from her parents. I may be 35 but I don't think I will ever grow out of that. Maybe its the only child in me, maybe its the broken little girl and lost soul that lives inside, deep inside. I don't know and I'm not going to try and change that either. It's a part of me, who I am and how I feel. I will always need MY people. My support, my blood, my family and the ones that share the memories with me. I don't have that and although I do have such an amazing support system with Kyle and his family and my friends who ARE my family, its just not the same at all. I am doing my best to just bury it deep inside and not go "there". Trying to not dwell and sit and think and worry and cry and wallow. Luckily, I am at work and I can occupy my mind and not sit alone with my thoughts. Being busy is the only way I can stay sane. With lots of alone time and being with my thoughts comes even more darkness and sadness that once I submit to, I cannot seem to dig myself out. When I think of that, I think of a deep dark well and I'm at the bottom, sitting in the cold, wet and dark place. I can see the light far far above me but I have to claw myself up the wall through the dirt to get to the top. Sometimes it seems SO FAR AWAY and sometimes I am at the brink. So if I let myself fall into the well, honestly its almost impossible to claw my way out. So I MUST keep myself busy and super occupied so I don't feel those emotions. I know that's not the correct way of dealing with things but if I keep dwelling and thinking about it, I will sink further into my depression and I just can't let myself. If I go back to that place I might not ever recover again.
I wish I could reach out to his daughters and be their support, I know how it feels, I have been there and I live it everyday. But seeing it, being around it and trying to be someone else's shoulder really takes its toll. Brings back all the heartache and sadness and feelings of desperation. The feeling of my breath being knocked out of me. All I can do is offer my support and prayers and try not to let their grief take me back..

So for now, I will be sad and wish I could call my dad but since I can't, I will stay busy and try not to think of the memories. Try not think of what I don't have but what I DO HAVE.

Black cloud, hanging and hovering

After a sort of meltdown, well not sort of but full on meltdown, I thought I would feel better. I thought my "sticky note method" had worked. Yet here I am with a new day and new beginning and a black cloud is hovering over me. Why? I don't really know. Which is super frustrating because when there is a reason or a why, you can problem solve, tackle it and find solutions to change the situation.

Depression and anxiety IS a black cloud. That's a fact. Even when rain isn't pouring, the sky can stay cloudy. I know that, I have accepted that. But when it feels like something all together how do you truly know what it is? What the problem is, what is making you feel so blue? Maybe that IS my answer. Maybe that's why the cloud is there and I should accept that it is there as an underlying issue and there isn't necessarily a solution or way to fix it. That no matter what I do it will still be there hanging around. I must find a way to accept that and stop trying to fix it! I'm a fixer, a problem solver, a solution finder and overall I can't find myself getting satisfaction until it is solved! That's the control freak in me I suppose. Solutions can be a form of control and "having" to solve the problem IS a problem within itself.

Therapy, venting, medicine, all of those things help. But it doesn't prevent these outbreaks or breakdowns. So when people ask me "what's wrong?" how do I answer that? How do I explain that there are a million things on constant replay in my head. Like a record player, playing old tapes on rewind over and over? You can't really explain it. Sure I practice gratitude, I have tried the gratitude journal, I have listed three things I'm thankful for daily. I have checked off the thankfulness list in my head more than once. And yet the black cloud is still there. Waiting for me, waiting to pounce. Problem is, it doesn't have to rain (or pounce) to cause a reaction. Just being near it makes me feel like it could all come crashing down at any moment. Constant fear, worry, feelings of defeat and moments of frustration over NOTHING! That is how I'm feeling today. I don't know why or how but I do know that I just want to crawl in a hole and sleep it all away. Rationally I know that it wouldn't solve a thing, it might feel good temporarily but when I wake up it will still be there. Lurking....

Some days are better than others and that is OK. I must realize its all part of life with depression/anxiety and grief. You do what you can with what you have and that is all you can do.

Today, things change

Today will be the first time I go to work full time since 2003. I quit working full time to raise McKenna when she was 5 months old. I don't regret a single second. It has been hard, really hard financially and a struggle for a long time but that is something I chose to sacrifice. I refused to work full time just to pay for daycare. I wanted to be a particular type of mom and I have been fortunate enough to fulfill that dream!
The last 5 years I have worked from home and have found great success with it. But now its time for me. Time for me to work towards the future, secure my own benefits and retirement. I don't think its possible these days for two people to live on one retirement let alone what it will be like in 30 years when retirement is here! I need something for myself, I need to force myself to get up and dressed every single day, be out and around people, feel productive and like I am contributing. I make a great living selling Scentsy don't get me wrong but I have found being home is working against me. Causing my fears, anxiety, grief and depression to balloon. Like they are trapped in a jar and as time goes on the tighter the space is and the less space remains. One day, that lid is bound to pop off or the jar will explode all together. I must force myself to do this. If it doesn't work out, well then I tried. If it doesn't work out then I know I'm where I'm meant to be, a work at home mom. However, if it does work out then I'm doing it for myself.
Hopefully I wont crack under the pressure and will be able to handle it all. I want to show my girls that its important to be independent and do what you can to provide for yourself or at least to help contribute the best you can. I did what I always wanted to do which was be a stay at home mom. My kids are all in school and needing me less and less. So why just sit home and watch the time go by? My inner hermit wants me to be home but I feel like Satan is trying to trap me with the negative thoughts and feelings and loss of motivation.
Put one foot in front of the other and see what happens. It's worth a shot so might as well try. At least I won't have the what if's running through my head anymore.
Knowing that I had to start work today made me more intentional with my time these last two weeks during Christmas break. It made me cherish the moments more and savor the moments more instead of just watching things happen and time pass. I feel like working will help me with so many things but mostly it will help me feel whole and productive. I feel like my time will be more precious and valuable with my kids and husband instead of taking it for granted.

Maybe it really is more about quality over quantity. Lets see how this week goes and if I'm meant to be a full time working business owner mom and wife....