Sadness, Heartache and Loss

I know, its inevitable. Loss and death. But as I get older and loose people from my childhood, people that were friends with my dad and just people I know, it brings up so many feelings that I do NOT want to deal with. I don't handle loss or goodbyes well. Never have. I'm a pro at funerals and loss, I dealt with it all of my childhood, all of my life. Everyone close to me. Yet here I am sitting in a pit of sadness. Thinking of memories I have when someone I grew up with or knew passes away, it just makes my heart ache so bad. I try not to go to that deep dark place of sadness, grief and loneliness but how can I not? It is lurking, waiting to suck me in and making me think of all of the times I had, thinking about my parents. Wishing I could call them, I need comfort from them, they KNOW, they know the people and the memories and I can't. That is one of the hardest parts because I need to call and tell them, have them comfort me. I know, that sounds selfish and immature and it is. I am still that lost little girl that needs the love, support and comfort from her parents. I may be 35 but I don't think I will ever grow out of that. Maybe its the only child in me, maybe its the broken little girl and lost soul that lives inside, deep inside. I don't know and I'm not going to try and change that either. It's a part of me, who I am and how I feel. I will always need MY people. My support, my blood, my family and the ones that share the memories with me. I don't have that and although I do have such an amazing support system with Kyle and his family and my friends who ARE my family, its just not the same at all. I am doing my best to just bury it deep inside and not go "there". Trying to not dwell and sit and think and worry and cry and wallow. Luckily, I am at work and I can occupy my mind and not sit alone with my thoughts. Being busy is the only way I can stay sane. With lots of alone time and being with my thoughts comes even more darkness and sadness that once I submit to, I cannot seem to dig myself out. When I think of that, I think of a deep dark well and I'm at the bottom, sitting in the cold, wet and dark place. I can see the light far far above me but I have to claw myself up the wall through the dirt to get to the top. Sometimes it seems SO FAR AWAY and sometimes I am at the brink. So if I let myself fall into the well, honestly its almost impossible to claw my way out. So I MUST keep myself busy and super occupied so I don't feel those emotions. I know that's not the correct way of dealing with things but if I keep dwelling and thinking about it, I will sink further into my depression and I just can't let myself. If I go back to that place I might not ever recover again.
I wish I could reach out to his daughters and be their support, I know how it feels, I have been there and I live it everyday. But seeing it, being around it and trying to be someone else's shoulder really takes its toll. Brings back all the heartache and sadness and feelings of desperation. The feeling of my breath being knocked out of me. All I can do is offer my support and prayers and try not to let their grief take me back..

So for now, I will be sad and wish I could call my dad but since I can't, I will stay busy and try not to think of the memories. Try not think of what I don't have but what I DO HAVE.